a few minutes, vol. 18 — what is soft is strong
A few words on the adultification of Black girls, reflections on gentleness and of course articles.
Happy Sunday, friends and followers! Highlights of the week: I finally tried the Community Goods matcha, caught a sunset walk, and thoroughly enjoyed Yasmin and Eric’s coked-out moment during the Industry (HBO) premier.
Earlier this week, I read about Detroit District Court Judge Kenneth King, who had been temporarily removed from the bench for making a 15-year-old girl, Eva Goodman, wear handcuffs and a jail uniform because she fell asleep during a field trip to his courtroom. You can read more about it here. The situation becomes more heartbreaking when you read that the girl doesn’t have a bed to sleep in at home.
The incident pushed me to revisit the uncomfortable feelings drummed up after the absurd and inappropriate situation where a male teacher had his female students do his hair earlier this spring. Here’s a refresher.
What do these utterly shocking but not surprising moments have in common? If you’ve experienced it, you know how common it is for others—whether consciously or not—to make Black women feel small while simultaneously imposing harsher consequences and providing fewer pillars of support.
A 2024 study released by Georgetown University’s Center on Gender Justice & Opportunity titled ‘Girlhood Interrupted: The Erasure of Black Girls’ Childhood’ found that from birth to age 19, “Black girls [are seen] as needing less protection and nurturing than white girls” and “seem” older than their white counterparts.” Read more about the findings here.
Yet, the blatant adultification of Black girls is not the only issue in these recurring instances of embarrassment. It's the distasteful and antiquated ways power is wielded by those who could choose to lead with empathy and nurture.
According to the BBC, a video from the court shows Judge King telling the girl: "One thing you'll learn about my courtroom is that I'm not a toy. I am not to be played with."
His language—“not a toy” and “not to be played with”—does not concern the girl’s behavior or teach her about due process. It reveals a projection of power, a need to assert dominance despite his inherent authority. The same insecurity and abuse of power lead a grown man to have three young girls unbraid his hair and farm them for content as if he were a customer at Aisha's Hair Braiding in Silver Spring, MD. Treating them like mere service providers rather than individuals with their own dignity.
Growing up, I occasionally played hooky and went to work with my dad, an attorney, often popping in and out of courtrooms. I remember nodding off once or twice. I've had teachers who shaped the way I saw the world, with whom I grew close, spending lunch periods in their classrooms, listening to the radio, asking somewhat personal questions while weaving through chapters of books like I Know Why the Caged Bird Sings. The respect I gained for judges, my dad’s colleagues, and my teachers I’ll never forget was never through acts of servitude or condescension but through genuine engagement and mutual respect.
I’m reminded of Toni Morrison’s words: “If you can only be tall because someone else is on their knees, then you have a serious problem.”
I’ve encountered similar problems.
A writing professor at USC once questioned if I “even read books” during office hours, an interaction that made a nearby professor uncomfortable enough to offer to edit my work for the rest of the semester.
After my father passed away, I started an internship at a disorganized publication but left after the first week. The lack of structure, combined with my grief, was too much for a 19-year-old, thousands of miles away from home, to bear. Unfortunately, my relationship with someone I thought was a trusted advisor deteriorated because my actions were deemed “unreliable,” they doubled down in several emails that I was easily replaceable.
These aren’t cut-and-dried situations. Quitting in the first week is seen as distasteful in some circles, and I probably could have gained a lot by putting down the phone and hitting the library. Hard lessons needed to be learned—like reading more to become a better writer or knowing when not to take on more than I can handle. Yet, in those moments, what I needed most was gentle firmness—the same touch that a 15-year-old girl like Eva Goodman deserves and the qualities and boundaries all teachers should embody.
Verse 76 of the Tao Te Ching tells us that whatever is fluid, soft, and yielding will overcome whatever is rigid and hard. In short, what is soft is strong.
This premature maturity and lack of grace extended to Black girls has been at the forefront of my mind. Outside of being a producer and writer, this summer, I’m a big cousin to a 2-year-old and a 9-year-old, whom I pray continue to have people in their lives who aren’t hell-bent on teaching them harsh lessons or forcing them to show up wiser than their worldview allows.
Call me soft, but I don’t identify with being a disciplinarian or reminding a child of their place at every opportunity. The people “below” me in age, status, and experience aren’t necessarily in servitude to me or my ego; instead, it’s my duty to reach as I climb and to do so gracefully. They remind me how to be soft yet strong, warm but boundaried.
This week, for Eva Goodman’s sake, my 19-year-old (and 26-year-old) self, and my cousins, I’m asking how, at every stage and in every role, I can ensure I’m a soft place to land.
A Few Pieces of Reading (Links In Header)
My read du semaine is James by Percival Everett. I’m not finished yet, but it’s a page-turner with short chapters and punchy dialogue. Everett’s writing is clever—he’s reimagined the classic Adventures of Huckleberry Finn through the first-person perspective of Jim, one of American literature’s foundational minstrel characters, now better known as James. Through its mere existence, the novel reveals that Twain doesn’t fully recognize Jim's humanity, even as it attempts to portray it. James, the book, explores a multigeneration truth of how “we” know white people think we’re stupid, flips code-switching on its head, and plays with some fun Black parenting tropes.
Steven Spielberg’s Amblin is set to adapt the novel into a film. Rumors say Taika Waititi will direct the project. From the first 100 or so pages, I can tell it will be one of the few slave movies that would be a proper value addition to our cinematic offerings illustrating the period. The novel isn’t traumatic, although it doesn’t shy away from the realities of slavery. James, it's for us to enjoy and not for them to feel pity about.
Here’s a listen to get you started.
Tinashe Is Working on One Masterpiece at a Time
In an earlier newsletter, I wrote about some excellent and drab profiles of Black women. Let’s add Cat Zhang’s piece on Tinashe to the list of those who do it well. Set against the backdrop of a paint-and-sip, Zhang rightfully positions Tinashe as foundational to our modern pop landscape, giving her props and slyly but rightfully signaling that she’s MOTHER with lines like, “she’s been energized by the growing visibility of queer girls in pop, citing Chappell Roan and Billie Eilish.”
Naomi Ackie Knows She’s Good. When Will the Box Office?
And here’s Niellah Arboine on the not-yet-star Naomi Ackie, who stars in Blink Twice. There’s a thread here between her Ackie and Tinashe, who are both unconcerned with being stars, even though it’s well deserved. I also loved her feature in Harper’s Bazaar this week as well.
How Dior Sauvage Rules the World
GQ wrote about the best-selling perfume, Dior Sauvage, without mentioning rappers like Central Cee, Lil Baby, or G Herbo — just another reminder that we live in two Americas. This reporting annoyed me because the same platform that wrote this article also produced a video with Young M.A. where she talks about the scent…skill issue.
The Mainstreaming of Loserdom
One of the best investments of my time is
on both TikTok and Substack. Their essay on this platform this week is a commentary on the depressing responses to Charli XCX’s viral birthday photo. It focuses on a shift in cultural attitudes toward socializing and a growing trend of people openly embracing a lack of hobbies or interests. Yes, the girls are inside, out of the way, and judging those who aren’t.To add to this thread, I think there's much moral superiority tied to how we spend our weekends. In layman's terms, going out is no longer considered demure. Are we too focused on our goals that we don’t want to have fun? Do we not want to have fun anymore because the economy sucks or because traditional ideas of fun—like drinking and eating out—are now frowned upon in an increasingly wellness-obsessed, Ozempic-driven world?
Getting to the core of why NFL players love Pilates
NFL Players are the news pilates princesses. If this doesn’t get you on the pilates train, I don't know what will.
I also read…
A Few Things to Watch & Listen To
I watched Tyler, The Creator’s interview with Maverick Carter.
Tyler made a lot of salient, witty points about cultural appropriation in hip-hop, crafted as if they were meant to blow up on Twitter and spark debates on hip-hop podcasts. He's a true and rightfully annoying music nerd, and I liked hearing him talk about teaching himself how to play the piano. Still, I can't help but feel that his preaching about authenticity in the genre is partly an attempt to atone for his well-documented history of being anti-Black.
Fashion’s Fashion Show Returns
The Cutting Room Floor, Recho Omondi’s Patreon-only podcast, is BACK on September 5th. You may know the show from the viral Yasin Bey clip where he essentially calls Drake’s music bullshit retail listening.
Here are some of my favorite episodes with quirky, deadstock fabric designer Taylor Dorry, where she wax poetics about yacht rock.
Lil Baby’s AD Open Door tour did something for me.
The comments surrounding the video noted they'd never heard Lil Baby sound so articulate. Have they listened to his music? He’s a pretty articulate rapper, and I’d think everyday speech is easier than rapping. Aside from the dog whistling, it seems like interior design and hosting are things he's genuinely interested in. You don’t get a house like this without a deeply personal relationship between the designer and the homeowner.
The woman behind his “Atlanta Oasis,” his taste in seating, and an impeccable shoe closet is Dekalb-based interior designer Annysa LaMantia.
I could see Baby releasing a collection with brands like Ruggable or even Telka.
Complex Might Be So Fucking Back
Does anyone faithfully watch Complex’s video content? Their YouTube channel seems to thrive, but Sneaker Shopping, which once felt like a cult classic, has dwindled in pop culture relevance. The last standout moment I remember is Bella Hadid’s cringe-worthy episode.
You’d think the YouTube numbers would point to Complex’s most visible personality, longtime reporter Speedy Morman, carrying the brand on his back. However, he’s not outnumbering video franchises like GOAT Talk, which made the interesting choice of featuring Latto and her sister Brooklyn Nicole.
But why might Complex be making a comeback? They’re bringing back BTS content of one of the coolest workplaces with the series ‘Life At Complex.’ In a job market where nobody can get a job, at least you can live vicariously through someone else’s 9-to-5.
And things get better. According to an article released this week, 'Kerwin Frost Talks' is debuting a new season with the platform along with “a larger slate of fresh originals from the Complex brain trust.”
More Black House Radio, please
I would love to see DMV-bred, NY-based DJ Dylan Ali and KITTYSAYWORD on the platform.
If you’re on a journey to break generational curses, this episode of The Gray Area with Sean Illing is for you.
Cash Cobain and Laila! released “Swagger Like Us” for GenZers.
A Few Things on Social & More
Tiktok’s most "demure" Jools Lebron and Patrick Ta linked up for a cute moment. I’m a fan of his Crème & Powder Blush Duo, and he’s good at working with influencers.
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Enable 3rd party cookies or use another browserI hope her moment isn’t over, even if "demure" has run its course. Criticism aside, I think the trend fell flat when it wasn’t used ironically or to subvert traditional markers of femininity. There is nothing funny or noteworthy about an influencer who routinely wears OPI’s Funny Bunny on their nails, is obsessed with dressing “classy,” or consistently virtue signals to play with the trend.
Ayo Edebiri, Colman Domingo, Alex Consani, Amy Fine Collins, Roberto Sipos, and Alexis Stiles star in Tyler Mitchell’s short film ‘EXTRAORDINARY PURSUITS’ for Neiman Marcus’ 30th Anniversary. The takeaway? We need an Ayo and Colman movie ASAP!
Usher is rescheduling tour dates due to a neck injury, including his opening night. I’m not planning to see him on this tour because I was fortunate to catch his Vegas residency. I wish I could rewind the clock and tell him to be calm. His team was too quick to capitalize on the success of his Vegas residency, NPR’s Tiny Desk concert, and the Super Bowl. Godspeed to Usher, and I’m hoping he’ll wear a lot of Bianca Saunders on this tour, just like he did at the 2023 Met Gala.
I debated whether to use this final slot to discuss the people who’ve formed parasocial relationships with Jackie Aina, or the Kids Take Over Hip Hop Media panel that lacked melanin. I’m tired of typing, but I’ll link two videos that represent my thoughts pretty well: on Jackie and on KTO.
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That’s all for today, lovelies. Here's a quick update: the new interview series is delayed but not denied due to scheduling issues, and the PAID TIER of the newsletter is coming this fall. Is there anything specific you’d like me to write about? Article recs? Please email me at ellisellice@gmail.com.
Highly personalized and stylized take from you this week. It definitely made me reflect on my (grateful) ability to remain a child by my mother as long as possible. And how that kept me blind to those who may have attempted to adultify me.
Taste for the Tinashe piece. I’ve loved her since 2014/2016 so it’s nice to see her get her flowers. And the thread between her and Naomi Ackie was very interesting. I always wonder what happens when light brights don’t get their “quick” or “faster” ascent to the spotlight. Especially when they deserve it most and their merit actually corroborates.
Thank you for sharing 🙏🏾